Men have a blob of ectoplasmic sexual energy called phlogiston that originates in their lower abdomen and pulsates in there, waiting to be released. The common term for phlogiston is “horniness”, and as you know, it increases over time. When you have sex or jerk off, the phlogiston hitches a ride on your semen and goes shooting out of your johnson, and you feel better. If you go too long without having sex or jerking off, the phlogiston builds up and you start to feel uncomfortable.

At this point a lot of you pseudoscientists are objecting, and I know what you’re going to say. “It’s just jizz build up, right, because your balls are making that stuff 24/7.” But actually that is not correct; sperm cells die after a little while, and are reabsorbed by the body. No, it’s definitely your phlogiston getting out of control.

When the blob of phlogiston grows too big, you will feel some pressure in your nut-sack, but that’s just the phlogiston crowding your urethra, trying to get out. Eventually the built-up phlogiston will begin to sap your energy, altering your mood. You will feel listless and irritable, and if the phlogiston is not released soon, you will begin to release your grip on sanity.

Most likely you have never heard of this stuff or its negative effects. That’s because the scientists who study this are all men, and as soon as their phlogiston builds up too much, they jerk off and then forget to write down what they were studying. The only reason I know about this is that because of my condition, I no longer have the ability to masturbate, and my wife is so exhausted from all the extra work she has to do, our sex life has become like a desert with just one little palm tree shimmering on the horizon that disappears once you get up to it. I am now intimately acquainted with the subtleties of phlogiston, as well as the literal agony associated with not being able to get rid of it. Take it from me, this problem is only too real.

It would seem that paraplegic or quadriplegic men suffering from depression are the only ones to escape the rigors of excess phlogiston build-up. Researchers surmise that the absence of sexual horniness associated with depression is most likely due to Thracians, and not a direct result of depression itself. In any case, it is a blessing for these men not to be doubly cursed.

Men are often the recipients of disparaging comments about only thinking with their dicks and being constantly horny. But I can say with certainty that men are only as stable and the sane as they are because they jerk off regularly. If men could not release their phlogiston at a maximum of 48-hour intervals, society would literally explode. Fortunately for humanity, only a few men, a few pathetic souls like me, must bear this burden.

The international NGO Hookers without Borders is doing all it can to provide much-needed hand jobs to those in need. Sadly though, public awareness is sorely lacking, and HWB is constantly seeking funding. Please help all you can to end the scourge of phlogiston-related madness.

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