Is anal sex a sin?

Good question! But first a joke.

What do you call a cross between a CHAIR and an IDIOT?

A CHARIOT!!!
[Soft applause]

So I’m sitting in my chariot like usual, contemplating my two favorite topics, SEX and THEOLOGY. After thorough pondering, and then literal minutes of Googling, I reached an unavoidable and totally rational conclusion:  GOD IS COOL WITH ANAL.

Now in full disclosure, I have not heard directly from God Himself on the matter, nor does His Holy Word, the Bible have much to say, contrary to popular belief! More on that in a minute. Nevertheless, by examining the FACTS and applying LOGIC, you too will see that GOD IS COOL WITH ANAL.

Let us begin.

Our Intelligent Designer endowed us with three qualities pertinent to the discussion:

  1. Curiosity
    We are curious. We want to explore. When we find a hole, we want to put something in it.
  2. Horniness
    That one speaks for itself. We are horny.
  3. Persistence
    We must overcome obstacles. If we find a hole that is too small…

It is natural to conclude that our ID desires us to poke around down there, or AT THE VERY LEAST is giving us a little wink-wink, putting the A-hole so close to the V-hole — don’t forget that we humans were doing it strictly DOGGY-STYLE all the way from Adam until King Arthur’s time, when MISSIONARY was discovered! Think of all the men down through history, banging away and puzzling over that little brown eye winking up at them. Perhaps it is no less than the Brown Eye of God Himself, winking as if to say, Go on, give it a shot!

Just speculating there, of course, but I mean think about it. He could just as easily have put your anus in your armpit if it were truly prohibido. (Even then though… see 1—3 above.) Let’s not forget… GOD DOESN’T MAKE MISTAKES!

Yep, sure looks like the Big Guy’s giving us the ol’ THUMBS UP, if you know what I mean!

Now hold on, buster, says Pastor Jeff. You are DELIBERATELY beguiling the weak and the wayward, and making a mockery of the sanctity of Mrs. Jeff’s and my Holy Matrimony! Why, the Almighty sanctifies ALL of the myriad activities that go on within the sanctimonious confines of our hallowed matrimonial bedroom! And furthermore, the Holy Bible CLEARLY states that my wife has to OBEY me! So if I say it’s going in her armpit, or her HOLIEST OF HOLIES, it’s going in! Blah, blah, blah, GOD HATES FAGS!

Mostly true, Pastor Jeff, mostly true! Well done! You caught me being cheeky. I was only talking hetero butt stuff, and then only about pitching, nothing about receiving. And correct, wives are commanded to obey their husbands. (Ephesians something-or-other. Google it.) Incidentally, slaves get a similar command, so I guess God is cool with slavery too. But let’s stay on topic!

MAN ON MAN RUMP RANGING — sinful or not?

We still have a green light from our friend LOGIC. Now let’s delve into a big steaming pile of Bible Scriptures to see what the verdict is! Everyone turn to Genesis 19-something and read about Lot, the ONLY GOOD PERSON in an entire city. Sounds plausible already!

I know only half of you bothered to read it, so I will summarize.

YAHWEH hears some rumors about how wicked the city of SODOM is (as if the name weren’t already a HUGE giveaway!), and forgetting that He is All-seeing, All-knowing, and All-powerful, He sends a couple of angels disguised as Mormons in to check it out. He’s all like, If you can’t find anyone who’s not TOTALLY WICKED I want you to DESTROY THAT SHIT.

All of it?

ALL OF IT!

Sure enough, Lot, the ONLY GOOD PERSON in the entire city welcomes the angel/Mormons into his home.

They hang out a bit, and then at nightfall the house is surrounded by ALL THE MEN AND BOYS of the entire city (right), who loudly demand that Lot send out THE FOREIGNERS, so they can GET TO KNOW them. Presumably there’s a lot of nudge-nudging at this point, because even back then “get to know” had some alternate meanings. It could mean “flirt romantically with,” or “make sweet love to,” or “beat the crap out of,” or “gang rape”. Or “get to know”.

Unfortunately, the Bible doesn’t specify. But Lot apparently gets the picture and says, No way, Hosea! Here, have my daughters instead. They’re VIRGINS!

That’s what a GOOD GUY Lot was.

Yada yada, the angel/Mormons help Lot and his family escape, nobody gets raped, and they OBLITERATE THE ENTIRE CITY. The end. God hates fags.

Well…

Nowhere does it say, “All the men and boys were HOMOS, which is a sin punishable by having your city annihilated”. It doesn’t even imply they were homos, because Lot offered them… GIRLS! And everyone knows homos don’t like doing it with girls. DUH!

So either Lot was DAF, or the mob weren’t homos. OR the angels weren’t really city-destroying supermen, just regular sodomizable men, and the mob were just out to put a butt-hurtin’ on some fer’ners.

Also… If Lot had any real integrity, he would have dropped his drawers and gone out there himself. That’s just my opinion though.

In any case, the worst we can conclude is that the mob were rapists. Which is indeed bad. Very. Bad. Nearly as bad as handing your own daughters over to an angry gang-raping mob.

So Genesis is no help! What about that other Bible book that’s named after a band, LEVITICUS?

Just check out verses 18 through 20, which EMPHATICALLY state that guy-guy buttlove is an ABOMINATION! And the punishment is DEATH!

KA-BLAM!!! Tell us how you REALLY feel, Jehovah! Case closed.

Wait a sec, Pastor Jeff. According to Leviticus, God does hate fags. However, also included in the STUFF GOD HATES list we find such abominations as:

  • Eating “unclean” animals
  • Ladies cross-dressing
  • Sacrificing your children to Molech
  • Checking your horoscope
  • Mixing fabrics

And the penalty for breaking ANY of these taboos is DEATH!

Pastor Jeff, are you sure you want to go there? On the one hand you won’t have all those guys hitting on you at the gym pool — cuz they’ll be EXECUTED! But so will you, for wearing those Nylon-Spandex Speedos you love. Think it over. According to the WORD OF GOD, these sins and their punishments are a package deal. Much like your Speedos.

Man, the Old Testament is a DRAG! And not the fun kind either. Let us turn now to the OT’s warmer, fuzzier sequel, THE NEW TESTAMENT, and seek guidance there.

Surprisingly, JESUS has nothing to say on the matter, unless you count “Love thy neighbor as thyself”, and even I would call that a stretch.

Nope, we need to flip forward all the way to ROMANS, where we find Paul bitching about how much fun people are having. He’s all, They’re all PERVY now, and instead of sticking to the normal way, the men have started diddling the men, and the women are diddling the women, and it’s just, I mean, totally ICKY and GROSS and boy are they gonna PAY!

So that’s pretty authoritative, right? Paul being like the No. 2 or No. 3 guy in the NT.

HOWEVER!!!!!

There are two little details that make a big difference in what the final takeaway is.

  1. Paul isn’t bitching about homos being homos! He’s just ticked off about hets being WAY TOO KINKY! Plooking outside the box, if you will.
  2. Paul isn’t relaying the WORD of GOD, but rather the OPINION of PAUL! How do we know? Paul says right in the beginning… God GAVE THEM OVER to their behavior. Like God just goes, Oy (sigh), OK go ahead, I give up. And the rest is Paul’s list of the people’s bad behavior, and how bad they’re gonna get it when Dad gets home.

So God didn’t really care, Paul did! Or maybe God really was just exhausted and resigned, like the old woman in the shoe, who had so many fornicating children, she didn’t know what to do. This would raise some questions about His OMNIPOTENCE, but I’ll let you look into that on your own.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT! Three measly passages concerning butt piracy, each of which CAREFUL READING reveals to be irrelevant to the question at hand!

There may be more. I confess, I haven’t Googled the ENTIRE Bible. But even if it turned out that your Intelligently Designed physiology were just a COSMIC TRICK, and doing it in the back door is a TOTAL SIN, fear not! The Bible itself offers you a GINORMOUS escape clause:

JESUS DIED FOR YOUR SINS!!!

Of course, then He popped back to life a couple of days later, so it’s more like He HAD A BAD WEEKEND for your sins. But the point is the same. All your sins were forgiven like, 2000 years in advance! I like to call it The Great Loophole.

Isn’t that terrific? Not only is anal TOTALLY on the table (Woo-hoo! Anal on the table!), you can safely do ANY OTHER SIN with your Jesus-got-me-out-of-jail-free card, AS MUCH AS YOU WANT. Pastor Jeff may say NO WAY, but you can say YAHWEH, and point him towards his OWN BIBLE for the proof!

So there’s your answer, butt-curious enquirer. However, there is a small catch. YOU MUST BE A CHRISTIAN TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS AMAZING DEAL!!! Convert now if you have not done so already. All others will burn in hell fire for all eternity, butt sex or not.

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