Should I go to church? Pt. 2

In Part 1 we discovered that if good vibes, free pastries and threat-free socializing are your thing, you’d better get your ass to church! We also learned of a couple of downsides for the youngsters, and here in Part 2 I’ll let you in on a few caveats for the adults. Otherwise known as…

Things that are SO BOGUS about church
While these are not necessarily deal breakers, the following are definitely worth knowing before you go in!Read More »

Should I go to church?

Good question! But first a joke.

Q: Are God’s farts pretty bad?
A: Not just bad. They’re omni-potent.
[deafening applause]

Recently I was perusing breasts on the Internet, while clacking my teeth together and emitting high-pitched mewling noises (how we quadriplegics express ourselves sexually), when I was distracted by this important question. I immediately closed all 23 browser windows and began formulating helpful insights.

SHOULD I GO TO CHURCH?

The answer is YES, definitely! There are several reasons this is a terrific thing to do, which I will outline below.Read More »

The Netherlands, part 3

My year abroad wasn’t all drinking and going to shows and eating butterhams. I also took some trips. Here are my travel notes.

Rotterdam. A historic seaport city from the glory days of the Dutch empire. Amazing harbor. Impressive mix of grandiose stone architecture and grubby industrial monstrosities. Lots of public urination, old men mostly. Strong contender for dogshit capital of Europe.Read More »

Was the crucifixion really a big deal?

Good question! But first a joke.

Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?

To steal eggs from the chicken.
[sound of one hand clapping]

I was hanging out in my wheelchair thinking up this joke, because it is that time of year, and also because I can’t masturbate, and this poignant question seized my mind:

WAS THE CRUCIFIXION REALLY A BIG DEAL???

Let me hear you, 2.5 billion Christians of the world: YES!!! Many historians even think so.Read More »

The Netherlands, part 2

It took a while to make friends in Holland. The Dutch are not the most outgoing, and I wasn’t either at the tender age of 18. There were these two metalheads in my art class, Ruud (typical Dutch name), and Bart (character from The Simpsons). Their English sucked, and so did my Dutch, but we bonded by comparing band logos we’d drawn, and reciting random lines from metal songs in a deadpan voice. Like this…

RUUD: Mark.
ME: Ja.
RUUD: You will die. You will fry.
ME: You never learned, so now you’ll burn.
[RUUD and BART nod approvingly]Read More »

The Netherlands

Soon after I graduated high school in 1988, I left my family and Kenai to be an exchange student in The Netherlands, or Holland. Or Dutchlandia. Or whatever it’s called. I chose Holland mainly because all the other kids who wanted to be exchange students wanted to go to France or Germany, and I had to be different. Even so, it was hard to be that different since those were the only three countries any of us knew about. (We knew about Canada, but since that’s just Alaska with metrics, it didn’t count.)Read More »

Is anal sex a sin?

Good question! But first a joke.

What do you call a cross between a CHAIR and an IDIOT?

A CHARIOT!!!
[Soft applause]

So I’m sitting in my chariot like usual, contemplating my two favorite topics, SEX and THEOLOGY. After thorough pondering, and then literal minutes of Googling, I reached an unavoidable and totally rational conclusion:  GOD IS COOL WITH ANAL.

Now in full disclosure, I have not heard directly from God Himself on the matter, nor does His Holy Word, the Bible have much to say, contrary to popular belief! More on that in a minute. Nevertheless, by examining the FACTS and applying LOGIC, you too will see that GOD IS COOL WITH ANAL.Read More »

Eve, part 3

Fall, 1990. Eve left Fairbanks for Seattle and I left Kenai for Portland. Both of us were excited about going to art school in the big city, and looking forward to getting together as often as we could to compare notes.

It was exciting, but also there was culture shock. For starters, we couldn’t believe that it was dark by 9 PM – in August. A few months later we would agree that it was just wrong to have so much green in the winter, and what with rain instead of snow, it seemed even darker and more depressing than our homes in Alaska. Very unnatural.

And when it did snow – like twice – it didn’t stick around to make everything look pretty. It turned to freezing rain and covered everything like a glazed doughnut. It paralyzed the whole city. Nobody knew what to do, or especially how to drive. A couple of snowflakes and everyone turned into quivering ninnies. What kind of place was this?Read More »

North Kenai

North Kenai wasn’t an official place, it was just the area north of Kenai. To get there you took the road north out of Kenai, the North Road to we locals, but officially named the Spur Highway. Only cops and paramedics and the like called it that, though (as in:  Spur Highway mile 18, behind Dick’s Arctic Welding, teen gas huffing in progress, over!).

The real name for North Kenai was Nikiski, and if you lived further north than us, past the refineries and the elementary school and closer to where there was a grocery store and a fire station you called it Nikiski. But the elementary school was called North Kenai Elementary, and that was good enough for me. Plus, that is where I learned that Nikiski means moose turd in the local native language, so of course as a kid I wasn’t going to go around saying I was from Moose Turd. Duh.Read More »