Should I pray?

Good question! But first a joke.

Q: What do you call a paralyzed shark?
A: A quadri-pelagic.
[sardines applaud]

So there you are, plunging off a thousand-foot cliff, and miraculously you have the presence of mind to text me this important question. Not that impressive as far as miracles go, since by now you are either a comical you-shaped pancake lying on the canyon floor, or you just went ahead and prayed and your life was spared. Hosanna! In any case, I’m flattered that you thought of me. Maybe not flatter than you though. (Get it?)Read More »

Portland I: 47th & Flanders

Fall, 1990

Portland, Oregon was both a big town and a small city, and that made the move easier. On the one hand, I couldn’t wait to get the F out of the grimy little town I was from. On the other hand, I’d been in a few big cities during my travels, and while they were fun places to visit, I never wanted to live in one. Portland felt just right. Soggy maybe, but I thought I could get used to that. Plus, my older brother Nathan lived there, so I figured the transition would be a snap.Read More »

Should I go to church? Pt. 2

In Part 1 we discovered that if good vibes, free pastries and threat-free socializing are your thing, you’d better get your ass to church! We also learned of a couple of downsides for the youngsters, and here in Part 2 I’ll let you in on a few caveats for the adults. Otherwise known as…

Things that are SO BOGUS about church
While these are not necessarily deal breakers, the following are definitely worth knowing before you go in!Read More »

Should I go to church?

Good question! But first a joke.

Q: Are God’s farts pretty bad?
A: Not just bad. They’re omni-potent.
[deafening applause]

Recently I was perusing breasts on the Internet, while clacking my teeth together and emitting high-pitched mewling noises (how we quadriplegics express ourselves sexually), when I was distracted by this important question. I immediately closed all 23 browser windows and began formulating helpful insights.

SHOULD I GO TO CHURCH?

The answer is YES, definitely! There are several reasons this is a terrific thing to do, which I will outline below.Read More »

The Netherlands, part 3

My year abroad wasn’t all drinking and going to shows and eating butterhams. I also took some trips. Here are my travel notes.

Rotterdam. A historic seaport city from the glory days of the Dutch empire. Amazing harbor. Impressive mix of grandiose stone architecture and grubby industrial monstrosities. Lots of public urination, old men mostly. Strong contender for dogshit capital of Europe.Read More »

Was the crucifixion really a big deal?

Good question! But first a joke.

Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?

To steal eggs from the chicken.
[sound of one hand clapping]

I was hanging out in my wheelchair thinking up this joke, because it is that time of year, and also because I can’t masturbate, and this poignant question seized my mind:

WAS THE CRUCIFIXION REALLY A BIG DEAL???

Let me hear you, 2.5 billion Christians of the world: YES!!! Many historians even think so.Read More »

The Netherlands, part 2

It took a while to make friends in Holland. The Dutch are not the most outgoing, and I wasn’t either at the tender age of 18. There were these two metalheads in my art class, Ruud (typical Dutch name), and Bart (character from The Simpsons). Their English sucked, and so did my Dutch, but we bonded by comparing band logos we’d drawn, and reciting random lines from metal songs in a deadpan voice. Like this…

RUUD: Mark.
ME: Ja.
RUUD: You will die. You will fry.
ME: You never learned, so now you’ll burn.
[RUUD and BART nod approvingly]Read More »

The Netherlands

Soon after I graduated high school in 1988, I left my family and Kenai to be an exchange student in The Netherlands, or Holland. Or Dutchlandia. Or whatever it’s called. I chose Holland mainly because all the other kids who wanted to be exchange students wanted to go to France or Germany, and I had to be different. Even so, it was hard to be that different since those were the only three countries any of us knew about. (We knew about Canada, but since that’s just Alaska with metrics, it didn’t count.)Read More »

Is anal sex a sin?

Good question! But first a joke.

What do you call a cross between a CHAIR and an IDIOT?

A CHARIOT!!!
[Soft applause]

So I’m sitting in my chariot like usual, contemplating my two favorite topics, SEX and THEOLOGY. After thorough pondering, and then literal minutes of Googling, I reached an unavoidable and totally rational conclusion:  GOD IS COOL WITH ANAL.

Now in full disclosure, I have not heard directly from God Himself on the matter, nor does His Holy Word, the Bible have much to say, contrary to popular belief! More on that in a minute. Nevertheless, by examining the FACTS and applying LOGIC, you too will see that GOD IS COOL WITH ANAL.Read More »