Spring 1991
The Fuse was a real artists’ squat like they had all over Holland, or at least as close to one as you could hope to find in the states, and when Qirk told me they were interviewing for an open studio there, I just about creamed myself with glee.Read More »
Winter 1991
Eddie and Annie’s House of Flying Toasters had been a slice, and I had learned valuable lessons about humanity there. But I needed to regroup after the zaniness, and also I looked forward to living with people closer to my own age. Fortunately, there was attic space available at The Hell Cows house.Read More »
Good question! But first a joke.
Q: What do you call a paralyzed shark?
A: A quadri-pelagic.
[sardines applaud]
So there you are, plunging off a thousand-foot cliff, and miraculously you have the presence of mind to text me this important question. Not that impressive as far as miracles go, since by now you are either a comical you-shaped pancake lying on the canyon floor, or you just went ahead and prayed and your life was spared. Hosanna! In any case, I’m flattered that you thought of me. Maybe not flatter than you though. (Get it?)Read More »
Fall, 1990
Portland, Oregon was both a big town and a small city, and that made the move easier. On the one hand, I couldn’t wait to get the F out of the grimy little town I was from. On the other hand, I’d been in a few big cities during my travels, and while they were fun places to visit, I never wanted to live in one. Portland felt just right. Soggy maybe, but I thought I could get used to that. Plus, my older brother Nathan lived there, so I figured the transition would be a snap.Read More »
Fall 1989
I cover a lot about Fairbanks in the part about Volga P, but there are a couple of things I didn’t mention. For instance, I didn’t tell you about puke shards.Read More »
In Part 1 we discovered that if good vibes, free pastries and threat-free socializing are your thing, you’d better get your ass to church! We also learned of a couple of downsides for the youngsters, and here in Part 2 I’ll let you in on a few caveats for the adults. Otherwise known as…
Things that are SO BOGUS about church
While these are not necessarily deal breakers, the following are definitely worth knowing before you go in!Read More »
Good question! But first a joke.
Q: Are God’s farts pretty bad?
A: Not just bad. They’re omni-potent.
[deafening applause]
Recently I was perusing breasts on the Internet, while clacking my teeth together and emitting high-pitched mewling noises (how we quadriplegics express ourselves sexually), when I was distracted by this important question. I immediately closed all 23 browser windows and began formulating helpful insights.
SHOULD I GO TO CHURCH?
The answer is YES, definitely! There are several reasons this is a terrific thing to do, which I will outline below.Read More »
My year abroad wasn’t all drinking and going to shows and eating butterhams. I also took some trips. Here are my travel notes.
Rotterdam. A historic seaport city from the glory days of the Dutch empire. Amazing harbor. Impressive mix of grandiose stone architecture and grubby industrial monstrosities. Lots of public urination, old men mostly. Strong contender for dogshit capital of Europe.Read More »
Good question! But first a joke.
Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
To steal eggs from the chicken.
[sound of one hand clapping]
I was hanging out in my wheelchair thinking up this joke, because it is that time of year, and also because I can’t masturbate, and this poignant question seized my mind:
WAS THE CRUCIFIXION REALLY A BIG DEAL???
Let me hear you, 2.5 billion Christians of the world: YES!!! Many historians even think so.Read More »
It took a while to make friends in Holland. The Dutch are not the most outgoing, and I wasn’t either at the tender age of 18. There were these two metalheads in my art class, Ruud (typical Dutch name), and Bart (character from The Simpsons). Their English sucked, and so did my Dutch, but we bonded by comparing band logos we’d drawn, and reciting random lines from metal songs in a deadpan voice. Like this…
RUUD: Mark.
ME: Ja.
RUUD: You will die. You will fry.
ME: You never learned, so now you’ll burn.
[RUUD and BART nod approvingly]Read More »
One more thing before I go 